Being freed from Fear

Ahh, once again it has been while since I have been able to blog. I knew coming to China was going to be an adventure, and an adventure it has been. We laugh a lot here. We have not only been learning about the culture, but I have also been learning about myself. This story isn't quite the same as my other posts. I try to blog the fun stuff that people will enjoy reading, but I thought this was blog worthy as it chronicles individual growth I have experiences as a result of our move to China. I warn you it is a deep realization for me, but God is so good. He is so good that I could not let His goodness to me go without sharing.

So here it is:
After learning that we were moving to China, I began to have a lot of anxiety, which would turn into panic attacks leaving me at times incapacited. I would be gripped by the fear of something bad happening, and the fear of death. I soon realized that I needed professional help. Through God's goodness to me, I was lead to a naturopathic college in Scottsdale, which started my journey into overcoming my anxiety. I thank the one true God for meeting me where I was at. As I acknowledged what was causing me to be fearful and going to the naturopath, the frequency and intensity of my anxiety decreased immensly. I would go months panic and anxiety free. I recognized that the move to China was a source in bringing on my fear, and was able to deal with that, thinking that once I got here, I would be done with fear and anxiety forever. What I failed to realize is that moving to China was a catalyst, but there was a deeper cause lying within. So, after moving here, and living here for 7 months, my anxiety had not left me, but continued to rear its ugly head. God is a provider though, and through a neat little invention called Skype, I am able to continue talking with my naturopathic doctor. But He is also a God of abundance, and has provided a Doctor of Chinese Traditional Medicine for me here in China. About 2 1/2-3 weeks ago I started feeling very anxious and went to the CTM doc for help. He was able to calm me down physically with acupuncture, but told me there was an emotional part that needed to be dealt with as well. We set up an appointment to see if we could unlock this emotional hold. The appointment itself was a source of anxiety, but I went, afraid to find out what would be discovered.
As he asked questions, he learned something I already knew, I have a fear of death and dying, which I have had since I was a little girl. What he knew, but I didn't, was that it is not normal for little children to be afraid of dying, not like I was. It astonished me as I realized that there were no other children I knew that were gripped by that fear like it gripped me. As long as I could remember I have had this fear. I would sit on the steps, the only place in the house where you could not see any windows, and I would be afraid. I would tell my parents, and they would try to encourage me saying I would live to be 100. I would tell my twin sister at night time, and she would tell me to think happy thoughts, and even help come up with happy thoughts to think of, yet this fear has always been with me. I believe and know that Christ conquered death on the cross and we have victory in Him, but still I carry this fear. It has become a bag that I have always had, almost like forgetting your glasses are on your face, or your hat is on your head.
So, we dug deeper, and began to uncover when I picked up this bag as a child and started to carry it. Up came memories, specific moments appeared as snapshots in time.
I remembered being a little girl, not sure of my age, and a family friend had died. She was older, and we had visited them frequently. The exact snapshot in time was at her funeral, as I stood by her casket, I touched her. Her body was so still, and very cold. I remember at the moment I touched her, fear entered my heart. This was a picture of death.
We dug deeper still. The next memory: I was a little girl in elementary school. My grandparents were visiting and I was sick. I had to stay home from school, but I had a choice. I could either go visit people with my grandparents, or go deliver papers with my dad. I wanted to go with my dad, but I knew the smell of the papers would make me nauseous, so I went with my grandparents. That very day my dad was in a serious car accident.
The snapshot moment: He was lying on the floor in our house, scraped and hurt. I can even see him lying there now. But then I heard it..."If Vicki had been in the car, she would have been sitting where the car got hit. She would have died." There it was, staring me right in the face, the moment I picked up the bag. It is amazing the kind of people we are. We can have something significant happen to us, and pack it away, and we get used to carrying it. This fear became a part of me. It was the way I was, and it never dawned on me that it could be different. It never dawned on me that I didn't have to carry this fear.
I think we carry so many things with us, that they become our normal load, and we don't even realize we can put them down. We have permission to put the bag down and continue on. We have permission to leave it behind. But first, we have to acknowledge we are carrying it.
God brought me to China, a trip that was a catalyst of so many panic attacks, to help me see a bag of fear that I have been carrying. He is now helping me to put the bag down and we are emptying together. I see that little girl sitting on the steps afraid, but it is becoming more like a movie to me. I also vividly see the two walls, the only place in the house where there are no windows, and I know there is significance behind that, but at this moment I am just so glad to have one less bag to carry.

The Bible says the truth will set us free. I have faced the truth of a fear and I am becoming free. There is another freedom that is much more significant. John 8:34-36 "Jesus replied, I tell you the truth, anyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." If you are a slave to sin, you don't have to be. In God's family, you are forgiven and free. You can't free yourself though. If you are guilty, the punishment is yours to bear. Here is where the freedom comes in Jesus paid the penalty, took your punishment, when He suffered and died on the cross. If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed!